pat on the shoulder

foods occupy my mind a lot. specially the juiceboxes. drinks are always on my mind. sometimes, eating is all i think about. everytime there's a chance of spending money, i think about food. it makes me mad. so much. i could use my money for so many things but i end up buying artificial flavored beverages, fancy foods. same foods for weeks.

when i was very little, our family was stable enough. enough to buy four servings but for some reasons we didn't. my sister loved flavoured toothpastes and fancy glasses for kids. they were cheap enough to make my sister happy. but somehow we didn't buy it much. even for wasting purposes where in return a little kid would've been happy.

the little cousins who would visit us, my parents would buy them juiceboxes but not for us. "i'll buy you later, okay?" but they were completely capable of buying four so i never got the answer of why later? & not now?

they were picky & somewhat close fisted. they shouldn't have been but maybe it was working differently in their minds. but to me, it's over spending now. i end up buying everything i couldn't when i was under someone who was once capable of buying my every little happiness.

i end up buying tons of those to find out if that was really needed to make me happy. it wasn't. i grew out of my favourite dress & my desired childhood.

fun fact. 

do you know what my depression meal was?

juiceboxes. tons of them.

if you read this far, i want you to know that it's okay when time takes you to a situation where buying your necessities starts making you guilty, it's okay. you don't deserve to feel that, but you're feeling that anyway. so next time there's a chance to make yourself happy through a jello or chocolate pie, please buy it for yourself.